People Pleasing and ADHD: Breaking the Cycle in 8 Steps
Introduction
Are you constantly putting others first, only to end up feeling exhausted, frustrated, or angry? If you have ADHD, people-pleasing can feel like a way to manage the chaos around you—keeping everyone happy, avoiding criticism, and staying "safe." But over time, this habit leads to burnout, resentment, and stress.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Women with ADHD are often diagnosed later in life, after years of unrealistic expectations and coping with intense emotions like guilt, shame, and rejection sensitivity. It’s no wonder people-pleasing feels like the easiest option. But you don’t have to keep living this way. By recognizing and understanding these patterns, you can start to break free and prioritize your own needs.
Step 1: Recognize the Strong Emotions Driving People-Pleasing
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by guilt when you say "no"? Or a knot in your stomach when you think someone might be upset with you? Those feelings—guilt, shame, fear of rejection, and even anger—are usually at the heart of people-pleasing behaviors in women with ADHD.
Understanding these emotions is the first step in breaking the cycle. Often, these intense feelings are linked to how society has treated you—pushing you to conform and undervaluing your unique traits as a neurodivergent woman. Recognizing that these emotions aren’t your fault helps you approach them with compassion and gives you the space to start making different choices.
Step 2: Identify People-Pleasing Behaviors
The next step is to become aware of how people-pleasing shows up in your life. Think about recent situations where you agreed to something, even though deep down you didn’t want to. Did you say yes to avoid conflict or keep someone happy, even when it stressed you out?
Start to notice these patterns. Maybe you take on too much at work, offer to help a friend when you’re already overwhelmed, or stay quiet in a conversation to avoid rocking the boat. Identifying these moments is key because it shows you where and how people-pleasing is sneaking into your day-to-day life.
Step 3: Learn About the Roots of People-Pleasing
Why do we people-please? For many women with ADHD, it starts with an intense fear of rejection. Maybe as a child, you were told to “calm down” or “be good,” and you learned that being agreeable was the best way to avoid criticism or gain approval.
Understanding that this behavior was once a way to protect yourself helps explain why it’s so hard to let go of now. But just because it worked in the past doesn’t mean it’s serving you anymore. People-pleasing can keep you trapped in a cycle of overextension and burnout. Recognizing the roots of this behavior is a powerful step toward change.
Step 4: Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to putting others first. But boundaries are vital for protecting your energy and mental health. Start by deciding what you will and won’t accept in relationships or commitments. Clear boundaries help you prioritize what matters most to you.
Example: Imagine Sarah, a woman with ADHD who has a full-time job and family responsibilities. Her friend often asks her for last-minute favors. While Sarah wants to help, these requests stress her out and throw off her carefully structured day, which she needs to manage her ADHD. Sarah decides to set a boundary: she will no longer accept requests with less than 24 hours’ notice unless it’s a real emergency.
When Sarah communicates this boundary kindly but firmly, she starts to protect her time and energy—and gains more control over her life.
Step 5: Practice Saying "No" Regularly to Stop People-Pleasing
Learning to say no is one of the hardest parts of overcoming people-pleasing, but it’s also one of the most freeing. Start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations, like declining an invite to lunch when you’d rather take some time for yourself. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll become with setting limits.
Example: Let’s say a friend texts you last-minute asking for help with a weekend project. You’re already feeling stretched thin and need time to recharge. Respond kindly but firmly: "I wish I could help, but I really need this weekend to rest. Good luck with the project, and let me know how it goes!"
Each time you say no, you’re reinforcing that your needs matter too.
Step 6: Develop Coping Strategies for Rejection Sensitivity
If you’re someone who feels the sting of rejection deeply, you’re not alone. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is common in women with ADHD, making even small criticisms feel overwhelming. This sensitivity can fuel people-pleasing because you want to avoid any chance of rejection or disappointment.
To counter this, work on strategies to handle rejection and criticism without internalizing it. Mindfulness, grounding techniques, and talking things through with a trusted friend can help. Remind yourself that saying no or setting a boundary isn’t rejecting someone—it’s protecting yourself.
Step 7: Establish a Support System
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t have to be something you do on your own. Surround yourself with people who understand your struggles and support your growth. Whether it’s friends, family, or an ADHD support group, having others to lean on can make all the difference.
Having a strong support system not only encourages you but also holds you accountable. These are the people who can remind you that it’s okay to put yourself first when you start feeling unsure or guilty.
Step 8: Seek Professional Guidance
If people-pleasing is deeply ingrained, working with a therapist can be incredibly helpful. A therapist experienced with ADHD can guide you in developing strategies that work for you—helping you navigate your emotions, break old habits, and set healthier boundaries. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these issues and offers the support you need to make lasting changes.
Are There Any Particular Challenges Women with ADHD Face When Trying to Manage People-Pleasing?
Yes! One of the biggest challenges is that people-pleasing often feels like it’s kept you safe. It might have helped you avoid conflict, criticism, or rejection in the past. Letting go of it can feel risky, even though it’s no longer serving you.
Because these behaviors are so ingrained, it’s important to be patient with yourself. Change takes time, and it’s okay if you don’t get it right every time. What’s important is that you keep trying and show yourself compassion along the way.
Are There Potential Risks Associated with People-Pleasing Behavior in Women with ADHD?
The risks of people-pleasing are real and far-reaching. You may:
- Burn Out: Constantly putting others first drains your energy and leaves little for yourself.
- Neglect Your Own Needs: You may sacrifice your physical and emotional well-being to meet others’ demands.
- Become Vulnerable to Manipulation: People-pleasers are often more likely to be taken advantage of, whether in friendships, romantic relationships, or at work.
Over time, these risks can lead to a loss of identity, leaving you feeling disconnected from your true self.
Are There Any Benefits to People-Pleasing Behaviors in Women with ADHD?
While people-pleasing has some short-term benefits, such as:
- Increased Social Acceptance: Pleasing others can help you feel more included and reduce feelings of being different.
- Reduced Conflict: Avoiding disagreement can seem easier, especially in stressful environments.
- Boosting Self-Esteem: Receiving praise or approval can feel good, offering temporary relief from insecurity.
These benefits are short-lived. The long-term consequences—burnout, stress, and losing your sense of self—outweigh the temporary rewards.
How Exactly Can ADHD Women Overcome People-Pleasing Behavior?
To break the people-pleasing cycle, try these empowering strategies:
- Gain Understanding: Recognize that people-pleasing stems from a desire to seek approval and avoid conflict, but it often leads to burnout and resentment.
- Identify Your Patterns: Reflect on where and how people-pleasing shows up in your life.
- Discern Helping from People-Pleasing: Ask yourself if you’re helping because you want to, or because you feel obligated.
- Listen to Your Body: Pay attention to physical cues—like tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach—that signal discomfort.
- Practice Assertiveness: Develop the confidence to express your needs openly and respectfully.
- Establish Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no without guilt and protect your time and energy.
- Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be a powerful tool in helping you break free from deeply ingrained behaviors.
Conclusion
People-pleasing can feel like a way to protect yourself, but in the long run, it leads to emotional exhaustion, burnout, and a loss of self. By recognizing these patterns, setting boundaries, and learning to prioritize your own needs, you can break free from people-pleasing and live a more balanced, authentic life.
Remember, this process takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes, and celebrate the small victories along the way. With practice, you’ll find that saying no, setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself gets easier—and that your relationships will improve as a result.
You deserve to live a life that prioritizes you.
