Separation anxiety in 4-yrear-old junior kindergartener

by Catherine
(Toronto, Canada)

Hi,

Thank you so much for your website - it really helps.

My son has been in daycare since he was 7 months. He often displayed some mild separation anxiety (crying at drop off, but quickly getting over it), right up until he stopped shortly after his 4th birthday. That was a couple of months ago, and now he has just started JK. The original visit to the school went well, his meeting with the teacher went well, his first day with a sub-group of his class went pretty well (cried at drop off, but quickly regained his charming, sociable self). The next day the full class was there (an un-expected 27 students - whereas we had been prepared for 15), he had pretty bad separation anxiety, being sad and teary throughout the day, especially during transitions. That weekend he cried several times saying he didn't want to go to school, and on the Monday he was so upset at recess that his nose bled, and the teacher had to send him to the office to calm down (sitting alone in the conference room - not my idea of helping him, really). He has now been going for only 5 days, and some days have been better than others according to the teacher, but spends everynight talking about not wanting to go to school, says it right away if he wakes up at night, and cries from waking until he gets on the bus (I gave up taking him to the school myself).

This is not like him at all. He can occasionally be timid with people he doesn't know well, but usually is not - I think it depends on the environment and his mood. I myself am quite distressed, and although I don't show it in front of him, I'm sure he can sense it. To top it off, my husband travels quite a lot and is currently away, and I have a 4-month old. That's quite a lot for my little fellow - I hope that the school anxiety isn't going to harm him, and I would love to know how to help him get over it. I am also thinking perhaps I should send him to a more nurturing school, but I'm not sure he would feel any more secure there either.

Thanks for any comments you might have,

C


HI Catherine

This is a month later and I wonder how your son is doing? Normally this kind of anxiety can be resolved with repetitive positive experiences at school. It can be if he is not feeling supported that a more nurturing place may be in order.

I can tell you that anxiety cannot hurt him. Anxiety is often just a feeling that you are scared but not based in any real threat ( think about your own anxiety), we create it. If you can uncreate it for your son, well he will be fine! He needs to learn there is nothing to be scared of, and usually facing it and having positive experiences is enough. It is also important to look at your own anxiety and how that may be effecting him. You may be giving him some signals he is feeding off of.

Let us know how he's doing, please.