Really hard work with no reward

My daughter Is now 15 and has been a very difficult child since she was a baby. Her father was bi polar and after we split up when my daughter was 6 wks old he went on to become a drug addict and committed suicide years later when my daughter was 9. His mother is also bi polar and one of his brothers is schizophrenic and the other severely non verbal autistic.

My daughter didn't have anything to do with this family growing up- her father attempted to get access a couple of times but failed as he couldn't manage to follow the process involved in order to complete the courts requirements. He also failed drug tests and his psych reports said he wasn't always taking his medication.
As my daughter got older she got more and more difficult to manage at home and eventually, at school. She was VERY emotional and every tiny thing that happened became a HUGE drama. Her teachers described her as imposing and very often defensive and rude. She formed good relationships with a few teachers and firmly despised the rest. She resisted most attempts to help her succeed at school- saying that teachers and I were trying to control her when study times etc were suggested to improve school grades. There was one school term that she didn't resist and things went smoothly and her teachers and I was so proud of her- that was mid yr 8- she was given heaps of praise and rewards but after that, despite regular psychologist appointments and keeping in contact with her teachers and encouragingher at home, things went downhill. The school offered her a lot of special musical opportunities but she still struggled with the authority and twisted the opportunities they gave her by saying the school was "using" her by asking her to perform at school concerts etc - to make the school look good. This was not the case- but in her mind, everyone had an ulterior motive. She was suspicious of everyone.

After taking part in the school musical, which was a great experience, she started to just stop getting up in the morning before school. As my husband and I both worked full time and also have a young son, it was extremely difficult to get her to school. We tried everything- talking nicely, encouraging, bribing, withdrawing privileges, screaming, crying and at one point, when she was lying in bed telling me to get f@&$@d, smacking. I spoke to her psychologist- age said it was anxiety. I spoke to the school, they said that she was rude and uncooperative- I said- I just want her at school- even if she is in time out- they said if she didn't want to be there and go by the rules, they wouldn't have her there- and at one meeting, after I had convinced her to get out of bed and into her uniform - they actually sent her home!

It was so hard as all the time I was advocating for her at school. Half the time I was coping abuse from her at home- verbal and physical.
Her loyalties were non existent- it was whoever was in the good books at the time- ger affection was over the top and non genuine- so very hard to reciprocate when we knew the next day we would be dropped like a brick and sworn at or scratched and hit.

She was resistant to any consequence given for poor behavior. One time, I took her phone of her as a consequence for not going to school so the next day she got up no problems and then promptly went to the school nun and told her that I was physically abusing her. She came home and told my mother in law that she was also in trouble because she knew about the abuse and hadn't done anything. My mother in law, disgusted that such lies had been told was very angry with her and yelled and said - your mother does everything for you and you treat her like rubbish. With that my daughter said- well you'll
be sorry when they take your precious grandson away too.

Nothing happened about the claim that she had made- all I think is that the nun knew that I was trying so hard to help and that my daughter was known for telling lies.

After this, I didn't react to it at all as I knew any attention about it would be

a win on her part. I did however react by getting her mentally assessed- I was told their was nothing wrong with her- It was suggested that I get some parenting education sessions (which I had already accessed myself- that I knew there was SOMETHING wrong and didn't want to discount my influence) and some relationship counseling. After following this advice

Life was still pretty much impossible when it came to my daughter. She did everything she could to try and manipulate friends and family and start arguments. Thank goodness most of my friends and family were used to her behavior and ignored it. I continued to take her to regular psychology appointments- changing psychologists as we both agreed the first one hadn't been that helpful even though she had been attending over two years.

Halfway through the year, my daughter went to visit my brothers family. She filled them up with a big story about how hard done by she was at home and how she had been abused and neglected. My brother called me, concerned. I explained what had been going on. They said they were happy to have her for 6 months to "try get her back On track". I think they may have thought it was just bad parenting.

During the 6 months she was there, she drained every once of energy out Of both my brother and sister in law. It Only took a week before she let her rage out at my SIL. My sister in law was completely taken aback and left shaking. She went on to argue about consequences but sometimes behave perfectly. Her personal hygiene became an issue- she was supposedly showing sometimes but when she came home on a weekend for a visit, she smelt that bad I couldn't stand it- I took her to the shops and bought new underwear, deodorant and shower gel. My SIL knew about it and has discussed it with her many times with no change- so had decided to let natural consequences take their course and wait til the kids at school told her.

Eventually, despite some very good behavior for some of the time, after being not allowed to come home for the weekend she went to school, went to the teachers, told stories of my brother and SIL treating her badly and not letting her call me and also said that they were withholding food from her. All of which was not true of course. She denied telling the school any of this, even though the school had called me to discuss it.
After the 6 months, she came home- and that's when the trouble really began. She started at a new school. Down the road from our house- she didn't want to go back to the old one- she said it was too strict.

I spoke to someone at the school about the problems we had had- but sadly my message didn't get to the right ppl . I'd asked to be contacted if she wasn't at school- and I wasn't. She got in with a horrible crowd and made friends with every kid down the street that didn't go to school. She got into smoking drinking and dabbled in drugs. By this time I'd taken her to another psychologist who was great and saw her regularly, but he said the sessions were used for constant crisis management and there was never time to get to the important stuff. I respected this and found a psychotherapist trained in attachment disorder.

My daughter started going missing- we reported her missing five times until one time, she ended up With her therapist on the weekend- and then went into foster are as age refused to come home. At the beginning of the year, a few months before, we had taken get to a pediatrician who medicated her for anxiety, and the after a few appointments and a bit of info about what had been happening, decides that mood stabilizers were in order. He explained to me that in Australia, she can't be diagnosed with bipolar before she is 18, but that she was showing many indicators, so was most likely evolving bipolar.

My daughter told child protection that I had been abusing her, and my husband and I are currently going through court to sort out what will happen to her. We can't have her back in our house as she is abusive and violent and our little boy is scared of her. It's an impossible situation.

Comments for Really hard work with no reward

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May 01, 2019
That is truly a difficult situation
by: Kate

Hi,just wanted you to know that I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that somehow, some.way your situation improves.
Sincerely, Kate

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