No one believes me

by Amie
(Victoria)

I am a 17 year old who beleives i have bipolar.
Ive had reoccurring depression since i can remember, but only have evidence of being suicidal from the age of 7. I was a very smart child and my parents brought me up well, but because i was unable to get across to them how serious the emotions i was feeling were, i began raising myself; learning that emotions are illogical. My father would call me a brat when i threw temper tantrums, throwing books at them while i hid in my cupbourd from all the darkness that seemed to surround me.

I would go from believing my mother had kidnapped me and i was really the daughter of God to feeling like the lowest peice of anything in the world. I used to enjoy watching movies where people would be tortured or kept captive. I was an amazing writer but i could never finish any of the many stories i started.

From birth i had on and off insomnia. In primary school i could go three days in a row with no sleep and be fine to run around. Nights were my worst hated time; being trapped alone in the dark for hours with just my head. I was my own worst enemy. I was also paranoid, convincing myself someone was going to jump through my window, or a ghost or witch lived in the walls. I also made conspiracies in my head, about teachers and even my parents.

I was 11 when i would try to scratch across my stomache long lines with my long nails, telling myself it was my horizon line, because happiness is a horizon, you never quite get there.
I always felt that i had to hide and keep back everything inside me so that soon i became a constant liar and a 'chamelion' (as i called it) when i would just feed off others emotions and actions and copy.

When i was 12 i first admitted to being suicidal to some friends and it was then that i realised the emotions i felt were not normal or commonly shared and just not spoken about. I then heard of depression and began madly studying mental disorders.

When i was 13 i decided it was bipolar, everything fit. Then i swung down back into my depression and decided i was being whiney and over exaggerating. At this age my parents thought i was on drugs the way my moods swung, but i had stopped sharing any of my emotions with my parents years ago after many breakdowns being ignored because they thought i was trying for attention.

Even though i doubted i could have anything serious to complain about, i kept a mood diary like one of the websites i studied suggested.
At 14 i became so obsessed with self control i used to hold my hair straightner to my arm calmly for as long as possible without flinching. It made me feel good to be able to control myself like that. I also then began abusing alcohol. Straight vodka warmed my stomache and made me feel comforted.

My first suicide attempt since i was 7 was soon after i picked up the bottle. When i went to get help from a doctor after so long building up the courage, the man told me i was just a hormonal teenager and needed better cognative ways of coping with my sadness.

I had been holding out for so many years for the day i would get 'fixed' and be normal, actually feel real emotion that made sense. To feel sad when someone died and to feel happy when good things happened to me.

I gave up for the time being, and decided to survive on self medication, going from alcohol, to weed, to dexys, to weed, to alcohol, to weed.
Things continued like this til i was 16, just cycles, and i finally noticed a slight pattern in when i got depressed and when i got happy. Always in winter, so i thought, seasonal depression. It was better the more i understood, because the more i understood, the more i could tell myself it was just in my head and it would all go away soon. Soon as summer.

I saw many doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors but none ever took me seriously. I was just an exaggerating teenager who'd convinced myself there was something wrong with me.

I left home at 16, lived on the streets for two months, then moved 5 more times til the place im living now.

For the start it was summer and im always happy in summer, so i had once i had a shared place, i kept pride in keeping it beautiful clean with dinner for my boy friend when he came home from work each night and always a smile on my face.

I started back at school for the third time in a row. Every year the first time i get great marks and attendance the first term, fail and dont attend the next two terms, and make a great recovery the last one.

When winter came everything came sliding downhill. My boy and i had been on and off since i met him at 14. We would go out in spring or summer, then break up in Autumn and i could never tell him why. This time he wanted to stay together, this meant i could not shut down my emotions as usual and for once, open them up.
The winter was devastating. I was an absolute wreck, i would stay bed ridden for days and have breakdowns before i left the house every time i tried to. I would have rages or anger where ever i was, i didnt care, over nothing. The emotion would just come up and engorge me. Then id fall to the ground and just cry. I almost wet myself a couple of times. I would have anxiety attacks hitting randomly at any point, sometimes just waking up in tears and panic. One time my boy friend left me for a couple of hours on a 'bad day' (as i call them) and i just screamed, cried and writhed around on the bed for hours until he came home.

I cant imagine how much he must have gone through, but at the end, every time i would cry to him how sorry i was.

One time i considered carving off all my skin or burning it off because i loathed myself so much, the guilt was overwhelming.

Coming out of it, i managed to get to a doctor on a 'good day' and get prescribed some valium. I have been taking 5-10ml a day and have been able to leave the house everyday. Its so enjoyable because i love nature and being outside more than anything.

Even on the valium i could tell which were 'good days' and 'bad days'. Some days id still be really on edge even if id taken 10ml of valium that day. Other days I'd only take 5ml then get in a great mood and clean the house top to bottem all day. These days i would be unable to sleep and my boy friend would wake up to a new haircut of mine and his dishes washed that hed used after id already done the cleaning up.
Two days ago though, i had a 'bad day' and was only able to have 5ml of valium because i was away from home before i realised my fingers scratching at the seats i was sitting on and my constant irritability. My boy friend and i then had a big fight and i tried to kill myself for the third time this year. I cut and cut and cut at my already mutilated wrists for over half an hour, but the shattered mirror glass and scissors just would not cut deep enough, quick enough, so the blood would clot or stop. I cried and cried "why wont you let me die" but nothing happened and my boy friend came home and stopped me.

The next morning i woke up crying, i was comforted and cheered up but i didnt feel the same.

I didnt sleep at all last night and i dont feel tired, i feel restless, in so much pain, out of control and like crying all the time. I decided i would go to a mental hospital, and im about to explain this to my mum who has always been behind me no matter how difficult and horrible i have been to her.


Do i have bipolar? I dont know, but i just want a doctor to take me seriously and help me, because if this is what normal people go through, i just dont want to live. But then again, by summer, i will be asking myself how i ever could have wanted to die and loving just how beautiful and amazing the world is.

Hi Amy

I cannot diagnosis you, or give you advice, but I can tell you I beleive you and you need to keep searching for a doctor who takes you seriously. You certainly could have bipolar disorder, whatever is going on it is something serious that you need help with. I hope that in posting your story you can connect with some others. I wish you luck in finding the help that you deserve.



Sincerely

Kristen McClure