Mad Girl

by anonymous

The year of madness started out in October 2010. It pretty much spiraled from there. I started getting depressed in the 5th grade. I didn't really know what it was at the time. I cut on and off until 7th grade, and the summer going into 8th grade I cut up my legs pretty bad sometimes. I thought bi-polar was the type of thing where your happy one minute and sad the next. I started seeing a counselor out of my request, but blindly I was planning my own death for weeks. 8th grade was hell from the beginning. I went home crying the second day and begged my Mom to put me in cyber school. I tried to kill myself a week before Halloween. I came out to my mom on the way to school, and she drove me to the local counseling center for a crisis.They though it would be best to put me in the psych ward for my safety, and i agreed. i got to the hospital, we waited in the crisis room and i found out they couldn't take me because I was 13. the unit only took 14 and up. I'd have to go to another hospital. This was three hours away, and I had to wait for 11 hours for the ambulance to take me all the way at 2 in the morning without my mom. Apparently I had to sleep in the children's ward because there were no other beds in the adolescent unit...I had to get a strip search in front of a man, which shouldn't have happened. The place was very unsanitary, and there was no heat in my room. I got out November first. 7 months after I was there the facility was shut down due to 'various reasons'.

I went into 3 other psychiatric hospitals, staying for an average of 10 days. I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until my second trip. The other hospitalizations weren't as bad, but "it was still a crazy hospital." the last hospital i was in i was there for my 14th birthday, i had to open up my presents with a old creepy guy O.O
I guess I'm okay now. I started out on 40 mg of Prozac. Then abilify, which made me shake like an old man and sleep all the time...I went into cyberschool for two weeks before the third hospitalization but had to stop. i finished out 8th grade in a partial program. I passed! I'm on lamictal and prozac now. I still feel the urge to cut sometimes, but I don't. I'm going to be taking most of my classes in 9th grade with basically a tutor because I'm too awesome for regular school. ;) two weeks before I went into the last hospital I wrote a book called I Cannot Be loved. My bipolar cycles are evident without. I hope my story gives people hope that no matter how hard you think it is, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, and you should focus on the GOOD you got out of the horrible situation. I am strong, and free.

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