Can't get past the past - is too volitile to keep relationships and is lonely

I am a single mother of 2 boys, they grew up close until about ages 7 and 10, then all hell broke up. Two alpha males fighting for attention, anger issues and me alone trying to institute a stable home - by the time they were 16 and 13 and to separate them for fear of killing one another - I spared nothing on psychologist, meds, tried in hospital therapy for the oldest, he is so defiant he argues continually with anyone and EVERYONE. It breaks my heart, he is now 19, has made poor choice after poor choice and same results, but refuses to accept responsiblity. This last cycling he returned home in a pathetic state - 115# thinner, of course argues that pot solves his problems and picks fights. I had him committed, he left the hosp after 48 hours and refuses meds. He did okay but threatened and talked the typical crap, wishing me dead, I didn't talk to him for 3 months, during this time I became seriously ill, no word from him until he needed money - I could not help him. I thought give it time, let him get over anger, another month and he calls, needs something, I did buy him shoes, clothes that will fit. He says he needs them but then picks a fight - bringing up how I am worthless piece of crap, what kind of mother jails her son or commits him, people have told him because I had him on meds he will have a short life span from kidney failure and liver issues (of course pot and cig smoking have no affects)

He enjoys to pick fights continually to verbally abuse me. He fights with his dad but is afraid of him, his dad has severe substance abuse issues, refuses to work and has been physcially and verbally abusive to many people including his kids. My son doesn't see that because he gets angry with his dad, he then comes to me to pick a fight and start the verbal abuse - he doesn't see it that he is ever at fault and is depressed because he has no friends or at least the relationships do not last. He is now 19 soon to be 20, no place to live, I feel horrible, want to see him happy, but I cannot just let him walk over me. I keep trying to encourage him to seek help, maybe counseling at least. I feel sad all the time because I cannot have my kids together without them going on who mom liked best and all the things they think are unfair, they then start yelling and a fight starts, there is SO MUCH anger and lashing out all crap from past is just brought up continually and blamed on me I cry daily, almost can't function at times due to feeling of sadness that we will never be a family and my kids will never find happiness because they concentrate on being victims instead of moving on and stop blaming everyone else for their own issues. The 19 year old KEEPS doing the same thing over and over and can never be happy, if he would only follow dr advise seek treatment seems things would at least be better.

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