Am I a bipolar teen?

I am either depressed or bipolar, I tend to think nothing of myself. My family and friends say I am both smart and beautiful but everyday I feel like a failure. I often feel sad and don't know why. I think about sad thoughts and don't understand why. At first i thought I may be malingering,but I'm not so sure now. I suffer from odd symptoms that aren't usual.

My symptoms include:
Mood swings: With them I am happy one class period but crying the next

Violent:Whenever I am happy or angry I become violent and often very threatening. Sometimes I let out a punch on the wall to calm myself. I smile when I kill bugs such as mosquitoes and spiders as well as smashing as many ants as I can laughing crazily.

Boredom/Depressed: When I am bored i read about murder cases and write poetry. Usually about death. I listen to music but not my usual,they are music box tunes such as rose of pain. I draw as well but unlike when i am happy these pictures are grey black and white and red where blood goes.

Irritability:I will bark at anyone and go to bed crying thinking about death and how much everyone would miss me, the next morning no apologies are needed because I am once again smiling cheerfully.

Changes in sleep or appetite: I used to eat quite a bit at every meal but I no longer eat breakfast or lunch and just skip out. I'll snack sometimes but always eat dinner. I sleep unusually now and quite irregularly.

Sadness: I get sad out of no where for no real reason, I just feel sad and empty, I will usually close myself off from my family in my room and sit in the corner of my closet with the lights off. Sometime i will sit outside in rather cold cloudy conditions just because i feel i need to.

Morbid thoughts: I do have the childlike ways for this, when I drew what i "felt" once i had draw a girl with grey skin hidden partially by a cape with one red eye that cried red as well.

Silliness: I will laugh for no apparent reason and it is rather enjoyable. I don't know why but i just will feel giddy.

Grandiosity: I will often compliment my features even when I am insecure most usually I will suck in my gut and start pointing out the shape of my breast and eyelashes in silhouettes.

Tantrums: Usually i am very appreciative for what I am given and understand fully if i am not given something but sometimes when I am stressed I can't bear it and will slam doors' roll eyes, and talk back. Once when I was trying to explain something I had called my grandmother ignorant,I am sorry for that now of course.

Bad Language: I tend to use rather vulgar language,especially at school. But when I am at home I watch my language but do use terms i never used to such as: Hell, "Pissed Off", BS, Crap, Crotch, Shut it, and rather rude remarks.

Obsession with gore or violence: I can't help but read about it and watch it. I tend to watch Japanese anime with a lot of violence and cursing but that was after my symptoms came about. I read about Junko Furuta and felt sick but couldn't help but read further and further.

Vivid Nightmares: Many are about zombies,some about aliens. A few about being late for school. I remember thinkng i was in hell after waking from a nightmare, the dream itself took place in my roo where i was paralyzed on my bed and when i woke up i was in the exact same position in the exact same place so i started to scream and cry,not realizing i was awake and well.

Severe anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive patterns, separation anxiety: I will get anxiety quite often and OCD's about little stuff not really anyhting specific.

Poor Self Esteem: I think nothing of myself,I am not beautiful nor am I intelligent. I think I weigh to much because my grandpa's comments on me, sometime he would tell me I could lose some weight "just a little",or try harder. Once driving home from school He saw a girl (Marissa a tramp who wears more makeup than ive ever seen) and said "she sure wears make up."
i said "Yeah she's been like that since like 4th grade"
and he finally said "Oh she tries hard unlike some people i know." then glanced in my direction looking my straight in the eye and continued driving.

I don't tell anyone,because i'd rather not. My grandma says "You have anything you want and your a child what do you need to be stressed depressed or bipolar about." she wont listen that i just feel that way i cant help it. May I have any advice?
marandaalbarran@yahoo.com

Comments for Am I a bipolar teen?

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Dec 19, 2016

by: Kristen

Hello. This is a very clear description of symptoms of a struggle that you are having with some sort of mood disorder. I cannot diagnosis you with bipolar disorder, but you certainly describe symptoms of depression and anxiety. I wonder if you have these issues in your family? I can tell you that you don't have to have " a reason "to suffer from the illnesses. Look at the celebrities who have mental health disorders who would seemingly have everything they want. I am sorry that we live in a world that does not understand mental illness and is not sensitive to those who suffer from it.

The best thing you can do is get a good evaluation and get some care from a competent professional who you trust. This might be a long process of finding a good fit, but if you start seriously looking eventually you will find the right person to teach you skills to help yourself feel better. Until then, please be kind to yourself.

Sincerely

Kristen McClure

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