Am I a bipolar teen?
I am either depressed or bipolar, I tend to think nothing of myself. My family and friends say I am both smart and beautiful but everyday I feel like a failure. I often feel sad and don't know why. I think about sad thoughts and don't understand why. At first i thought I may be malingering,but I'm not so sure now. I suffer from odd symptoms that aren't usual.
My symptoms include:
Mood swings: With them I am happy one class period but crying the next
Violent:Whenever I am happy or angry I become violent and often very threatening. Sometimes I let out a punch on the wall to calm myself. I smile when I kill bugs such as mosquitoes and spiders as well as smashing as many ants as I can laughing crazily.
Boredom/Depressed: When I am bored i read about murder cases and write poetry. Usually about death. I listen to music but not my usual,they are music box tunes such as rose of pain. I draw as well but unlike when i am happy these pictures are grey black and white and red where blood goes.
Irritability:I will bark at anyone and go to bed crying thinking about death and how much everyone would miss me, the next morning no apologies are needed because I am once again smiling cheerfully.
Changes in sleep or appetite: I used to eat quite a bit at every meal but I no longer eat breakfast or lunch and just skip out. I'll snack sometimes but always eat dinner. I sleep unusually now and quite irregularly.
Sadness: I get sad out of no where for no real reason, I just feel sad and empty, I will usually close myself off from my family in my room and sit in the corner of my closet with the lights off. Sometime i will sit outside in rather cold cloudy conditions just because i feel i need to.
Morbid thoughts: I do have the childlike ways for this, when I drew what i "felt" once i had draw a girl with grey skin hidden partially by a cape with one red eye that cried red as well.
Silliness: I will laugh for no apparent reason and it is rather enjoyable. I don't know why but i just will feel giddy.
Grandiosity: I will often compliment my features even when I am insecure most usually I will suck in my gut and start pointing out the shape of my breast and eyelashes in silhouettes.
Tantrums: Usually i am very appreciative for what I am given and understand fully if i am not given something but sometimes when I am stressed I can't bear it and will slam doors' roll eyes, and talk back. Once when I was trying to explain something I had called my grandmother ignorant,I am sorry for that now of course.
Bad Language: I tend to use rather vulgar language,especially at school. But when I am at home I watch my language but do use terms i never used to such as: Hell, "Pissed Off", BS, Crap, Crotch, Shut it, and rather rude remarks.
Obsession with gore or violence: I can't help but read about it and watch it. I tend to watch Japanese anime with a lot of violence and cursing but that was after my symptoms came about. I read about Junko Furuta and felt sick but couldn't help but read further and further.
Vivid Nightmares: Many are about zombies,some about aliens. A few about being late for school. I remember thinkng i was in hell after waking from a nightmare, the dream itself took place in my roo where i was paralyzed on my bed and when i woke up i was in the exact same position in the exact same place so i started to scream and cry,not realizing i was awake and well.
Severe anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive patterns, separation anxiety: I will get anxiety quite often and OCD's about little stuff not really anyhting specific.
Poor Self Esteem: I think nothing of myself,I am not beautiful nor am I intelligent. I think I weigh to much because my grandpa's comments on me, sometime he would tell me I could lose some weight "just a little",or try harder. Once driving home from school He saw a girl (Marissa a tramp who wears more makeup than ive ever seen) and said "she sure wears make up."
i said "Yeah she's been like that since like 4th grade"
and he finally said "Oh she tries hard unlike some people i know." then glanced in my direction looking my straight in the eye and continued driving.
I don't tell anyone,because i'd rather not. My grandma says "You have anything you want and your a child what do you need to be stressed depressed or bipolar about." she wont listen that i just feel that way i cant help it. May I have any advice?